My Bell's Palsy Experience: Things I Wish I'd Known Sooner

I woke up one morning not feeling quite right. It was the day of the state competition, so I blew off the funny feeling, chalking it up to first-time jitters. I went on about my business all the live-long day, competed, and then hung out afterward with my friends. It was only when I tried to snap photos then did I come to my first absolute realization something was wrong — I couldn't mobilize an entire half of my face. Struggling to smile, I could only get half my mouth to lift. Still, and hopeful the problem would be fleeting, I mentioned it to my mother who dismissed it and told me to go lie down, saying that by morning everything would be back to normal.

The next morning, it hadn't. Now, when I'd try to brush my teeth, I couldn't purse my lips to spit out the toothpaste. My eye wouldn't blink properly. Half of my face was, quite literally, paralyzed. The symptoms were made even more obvious when I would try to smile or laugh—I couldn't pretend it was not happening now. Panic set in. My mom rushed me to urgent care, fearing I might be having a seizure. Later that afternoon, I was sent to a neurologist to rule out the possibility of a tumor. The fear that came with uncertainty was overwhelming.

After some tests and an anxious wait, I was diagnosed with Bell's Palsy. I knew nothing about the condition beforehand, as seemed to be the case with many around me. So, I was left feeling lost, scared, and most of all, helpless. There was no magic wand to wave and no medication that promised overnight healing. I cried myself to sleep every night, questioning, "Why me?" In a world that was a marker of vanity, beauty standards, and tech enhancements, I felt alone.

My face- a foundational feature of my self-identity was not in my control. None of my friends had a frame of reference, none of them could understand what I was going through. Some people found it funny. Others considered it little more than a nuisance. To me, it was tragic. I could barely eat anything because I couldn't close my mouth most of the way. I could hardly brush my teeth without toothpaste spurting everywhere. And I was in class trying to do atomic push-ups with my face - physical therapy.

I could hardly endure the isolation.

Finally, I was put on corticosteroids, which are the conventional treatment for Bell's Palsy. After taking the medicine, I had high expectations that if nothing, at least it was bound to get me recovered quickly. But, alas, an allergic reaction of considerable severity broke on my skin. Still, in my innermost beliefs, I really believed that if that treatment was going to be capable of returning my normal face, let there be even side effects.

As I look back, I wish I knew many of this from the onset. I really wish I knew that Bell's Palsy is temporary for most people. In the moment, it felt like my life was over, but really recovery just takes time, and patience and resilience have been important lessons.

I wish I had been told that I was still the same person, that nothing in me had changed. While my body may have seemed so different, my personality, skills, and my likes—all of those still remained the same. I was not a value based on my body, though at times it felt this way.

I wish I was told I was not alone in this process. At first, I thought no one knew how I felt. However, I started telling my story and met people very alike in very similar positions. This was of course online—one; however that did not seem to matter—it is vastly meaningful. Now I live life very differently. I can be far more patient with my physical self, appreciate things I used to take for granted, and be kinder to myself. If you are enduring Bell's palsy, be sure to realize that you are entitled to feel whatever you are feeling: frustration, sorrow, anxiety—reality. But also know you will get through this; this moment does not define you.

You are strong, and in time, it will get better. To any who are reading newly diagnosed: do not let go of hope—find the support and grab it, even if you have to chase it. Defend what you need. Be patient. Most importantly, you are still you.